Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
You Might Also Like
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord