I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
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daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Time for evil
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!