me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
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Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.