Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
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Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’