Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road