The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this