“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.