I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
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What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
brian had himself a morning…
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children