Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.