She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
You Might Also Like
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
every college guy’s fridge
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.