I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.