I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
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A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
This sounds bad:
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.