Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
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Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.