I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.