I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
You Might Also Like
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Hey i am sexy to you now
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.