Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
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Can’t stop laughing
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations