Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
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Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
B
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.