You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
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“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Yup.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it