Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
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Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR