I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.