I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”