Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
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“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.