BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
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Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I love art.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“