In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”