For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out