i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Banana is the quietest snack
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
This makes total sense…
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today