they split up moments later
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[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣