drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
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Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
good let them take over I have had enough
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.