Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
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This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
me hitting on a model
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I’d use my best pan on you.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex