doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
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Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock