I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
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got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Spring of Deception
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
How does one answer this?
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
That time Alicia messaged me
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?