“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
black phone good
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Every haunted house movie:
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.