Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
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Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂