I enjoy a good short stor
You Might Also Like
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.