Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
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They got Raph!
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.