Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
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The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert