ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
You Might Also Like
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?