Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
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Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Match dot com, but for socks.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what