Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
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Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Someone just threatened to call me later
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Just this preview of the story is enough
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.