Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
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stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I painted a hot chick with big jugs