If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
My biological clock is wheezing.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.