My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
prepare for carbonated trouble
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Single and childfree like Jesus
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!