My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial