An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro