I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
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Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
i spent way too long on this
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…