The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
You Might Also Like
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.