I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
This January has 47 Mondays
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Air conditioning – not a fan
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie