I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
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I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
honestly, i need both:
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*