Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”