The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.